Song of the post: So Far Away by Agust D ft Suran (find lyrics translation here)
Sometime last year, I had promised myself that I would put up at least one post per month because, well, even though I don’t feel like I’m running out of things to say, who even cares, right? And every time my head goes in that direction, I go, “No! You write for you!” but me writing for myself has become an almost daily thing these days so it’s not only deep, introspective stuff, it’s also random things I did and didn’t do and and how I felt (which basically falls into two categories: feeling super good, feeling like shit) so it’s not like I want to share these really personal things on here.
So, what do I write? What do I post? I don’t do typical blogging stuff, that’s not my style. That’s not how I began and I’m not going to change now. And I’m lazy but that’s not necessary here.
I’m here, on this website, thinking of a song for the post (I decided on one but then changed it to another by the end of it) and watching Jungkook sing along to random songs on a VLive after a long time and I think I’ll just talk about the Tokyo 2020 Olympics and my day.
I didn’t plan to do much today. I had probably 2 things on my list: work on something that I’ve been working on since forever and look for jobs. I haven’t added painting or drawing in there. It just feels like a chore.
Have you ever felt like your hobby, or something that you do to purely enjoy, starts to get a little repetitive, and you have tried different things but then they haven’t worked out well but you still want to do something new but you’re scared of how it’s gonna turn out?
Well, art has become like that for me. There’s a lot I want to try and maybe because I’m not validating myself enough or seeking validation from elsewhere and not getting it getting to me, I’m scared to mess up. I want good results too, but how will I get it if I don’t even try? If I’m too scared to try?
And there’s also the matter of where to start. So, I’ve stopped forcing myself to do draw or paint when I don’t feel like. It hasn’t worked yet. But I know it will because every creative venture needs time to recharge.
I was sitting on the sofa last Friday, watching the opening ceremony of the Tokyo 2020 Olympics, from start to finish. Sometime in the evening, when all the country teams paraded in with their flags, I was tweeting about it but before that, I just watched with a kind of numbness. I was watching the ceremony, but it was something that I let my brain and eyes do, not really absorbing it on a deeper level.
Instead, my head kept going back to a few years ago, specifically around the time of the London Olympics 2016. I was about 18 or 19, at the peak of my anime-manga-Japanese culture phase and I had found out that the 2020 Olympics was happening in Tokyo.
I was overjoyed. In my head, 2020 was so far way. Like, four years was such a huge deal. I always wondered where I would be, what I would be doing, how much I might have changed, how I would be living, if I was in love, with people and life alike. I daydreamed about it. I daydreamed about being in Tokyo (either visiting or living, I had cooked up scenarios of both) during the Olympics, and watching the Opening ceremony live, in person. I was happy, content.
But then life pulled the rug of reality and bleak future underneath me and made me look up and face it.
It was not good. It’s not something anyone would’ve daydreamed on their wildest day. A pandemic, climate crises, horrible political scenario and the list is endless. I will not go down there.
That’s when it hit me. The me of 5 years ago would be so devastated to hear the fact that the freaking Olympics was pushed a year ahead and should have possibly been even cancelled. I feel bad for her. I can practically feel the colour drain out of her and her shoulder slump as it hits her how bad the situation will be.
It’s almost as if I don’t even recognize her anymore.
There’s so much new music these days, from artists that I like and me itching to discover new artists. But what do I do? Like, my hands are free and my ears are plugged in and I don’t like it when I’m not multitasking. So, I would want to draw or paint.
But then my crisis starts. I have noted this feeling down sometime ago and it’s true even today.
Whenever I feel like wanting to paint, I just don’t know what to paint. When I ask for suggestions, I immediately don’t feel like making it. And the funny thing is, there’s a million things I want to draw and paint and get better at but there’s that nagging feeling of having to choose between having fun and getting better at painting. It seems like these days, I’m unable to have fun and try new things for the fear of failure.
I was not for being scared of failure. Exams? Sure. The word itself invokes a kind of anxiety in me. But in things that I love doing? Writing and painting and cooking?
Not at all. I either have fun or learn something out of it or both. There’s no winning or losing.
It’s weird and I don’t think I like it very much.
A while ago, Amma was saying something about moving on and getting better things in life and it got me thinking: is anyone really satisfied with their lives?
Maybe it’s the hustle culture, maybe it’s climate change, maybe people don’t talk about it. But I don’t understand why people actively seek out better things. I understand that most things are temporary in life but that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy with it and be satisfied as the next good thing comes along. Like it’s one thing to be learning all the time and trying to be better– a better person, better whatever– but it’s another to actively seek out better things. I also understand that we all deserve better things in life and that it should be determined by us but if there’s happiness and peace at what we are doing in life, why look for better? It seems like better is never ending and that scares me sometimes.
I have thought about why I feel that way. I think it’s because I like wherever I am. And it could also be that I’m scared for what’s out there since I don’t really know. The uncertainty is scary but it comforts me that I’m not alone in this.
But what is scary is people shooting their shots for much greater things and dreams that I have no desires for. Is that really bad?
I don’t know.
It’s scary but the only thing I know how to do is move forward. And I guess I’ll just do that.
If you managed to reach the end of this long, slightly pointless post, feel free to ramble away in my comments or if you found me Twitter, you can ramble away in DMs too.
I sometimes like to feel that I’m not so alone in all of this.
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