Song of the post: Nineteen by B.I.
I think it’s nothing new that I’m fond of New Year as much as I am of Diwali…which is to say, not at all. But I do like to write a year-end post, even though it usually doesn’t really talk about my year. Last year’s post, 2020 in Doggies has been one of my most popular posts and I’m afraid this year won’t be anything like that.
Sadly, there were much fewer (if any) dogs this year. My year was filled with skies and pretty clouds and train rides and months of staying home and contemplating my existence and really good elaichi tea on trains. And while all these were moments of peace and clarity, they usually masked all the uncertainties in my life.
I can’t sum up the year. When I look back, or scroll through my camera roll or my journal, it feels like it has been a long long year. But at the same time, this year has also felt the shortest. Every moment felt stretched out and zoomed in but collectively, there is a big picture which probably looks like a huge blur. It’s a weird feeling but I guess with all the things that we have been subjected to, it’s okay to feel like this.
There are some things I wish I had done. For example, write more blog posts. In my head, I had decided that I would at least make it to one post a month. But either life got busy or I wasn’t in the right headspace for a majority of the year because I barely made 11. If this goes up before 12 AM, that is. If I had written more blog posts then maybe I would’ve done a wrap-up and given awards to my blog posts.
But I guess that’s another thing I learnt this year: to forgive myself for not being able to do all the things I thought of doing. Dreams have become meaningless for me at this point so I make promises to myself. And it’s okay if these promises are broken because I know that I have tried my hardest to do whatever it is that I had promised myself, all the while surviving an ongoing pandemic and climate crisis. I will pat myself on the back for making it this year and you should too!
This year had been good to me in a lot of ways. Even though I only wrote 11 posts, some of the things I wrote this year has been my favourite. I’m extremely proud of 7 Years because I had tried something new and the end result has been very pleasing. I have written a lot of fiction–more incomplete than complete–which is why I haven’t posted any in some time. But that’s also okay because now I have more projects to look forward to next year.
I struggled with that for some time too. I ran out of ideas for original content and I panicked. I went down a spiral of feeling despicable despair for my “creative mind”, or lack thereof and then when the fog cleared, I had to remind myself (again. I seem to have done that a lot this year) that dry spells are common and that it doesn’t really reflect upon me as a person. So I gave it time and I trudged on.
It’s not completely okay as of now but I know that with time, it’ll come back to me. Even if it takes a lot of time, I’ll be here, arms wide open, ready to welcome it.
This year, my art has risen to another level. I started learning digital painting and was able to make 12 full illustrations for my parents’ company calendar! I think this is the proudest I’ve ever been and I haven’t taken on any more complicated projects like that as of yet, just sticking to having fun with all the brushes and endless choice of colours. It’s been a wild couple of months when I did that. But at the same time, I feel like I haven’t given myself enough time to try new things. There are a plethora of things I’d like to do but I end up getting stuck and giving up mid-way. It’s also been frustrating that way.
However, I did learn to make bad art and be okay with it this year. I’m super proud that I was able to do that.
There was a lot of new and amazing music this year and even though my brain did not respond to watching shows or movies or drama, I did manage to watch Yumi’s Cells (with my friends on vacation) and True Beauty (with Akka) and I’m glad I did because the moments I watched them were the moments I h
At this point, day, age and economy, looking for solid career growth has somewhat become laughable. There are barely any jobs out there and there were a few months in the middle of the year where I was hunting for jobs and I questioned everything, every day, all day. It exhausted me to no end as I struggled to remind myself that some things are just not in my hands. I tried to focus on what I could do and by the time I got the hang of it, I found somewhere to work.
Now that that’s over, I feel more prepared for a lot of things that may or may not come. I know it won’t be easy but I have my fist up, ready to fight and a bottle of water by my side for when I need a break.
I don’t know what 2022 will hold for me, us and the planet. Everything is so uncertain that sometimes I want to curl up into a tight ball and not uncurl until everything is all right in the world. But I feel some responsibility (even though I really shouldn’t be feeling it) towards helping the world make a better place so I trudge. On and on and on until I need a break and then on some more.
I hope you have a great year ahead!