Song of the post: Adios by Hoody
I don’t even where to start today.
It’s the 9th Anniversary of my blog. I began writing here at the tender age of 17, and here I am. This blog and all of these posts and thoughts and word vomits are a testament of my growth, and while I am able to actively see it, it has been difficult for me to articulate exactly why I don’t really feel proud.
It has been somewhat of a hectic year. I haven’t liked it so far, and I don’t think I will until my life changes in a way. A tangible change, a change that the blood in my veins is looking forward to. Future is…the future. Like a distant thing, mist-covered mountain, tiny and barely a spot as far away as the eyes can see.
But Yoongi had once told me to focus on things I can control and (try) not stress about things that are not in my hands. Back when he said that, I didn’t really think about it being applicable to me because I was not a stressor. I didn’t really stress about things that were not in my control because I know they are not in my control. But something shifted. Or maybe it’s the stagnancy of my current life, or something, I don’t really know. But something happened and I have been stressing about so many things that it has kept me up enough nights for me to realize and begin drinking tea to help me relax.
I needed, no need to reevaluate stuff.
And then September is here. For some odd reason, September is always hectic. This time, apart from my hobbies and other things having significant timelines in September, my work is also very demanding (and equally unrewarding) and it has taken a toll on me in a way that I had decided to never let it get to me. I have been reevaluating some stuff, and I realized I really do miss writing, even though there isn’t really a lot that I want to say. Not only because there isn’t a lot happening in my life to say but also all the whys of writing in general. I never a definite answer for it (perhaps never will) but I also don’t want to stop looking for it.
Writing, in general, feels like a phantom limb. I don’t know the feeling personally but it does feel like it. Like it was always there, I can feel the ghost of my desire to write, to live, to say, to feel, to think, but it’s just that. A ghost. A whisper of a desire, if you will. Because I have no energy to grasp at it and hold on tight and actually use that ghost, because well, it’s a ghost. It disintegrates in your fingers.
I want to hate September for being so stressful, but the month is not at fault for me being stressed. Besides, too many good things happen in September for me to dislike it.
On the lines of my reevaluating…everything, I have considered starting afresh. I haven’t been given a big enough change in my life, but that doesn’t necessarily have to stop me from creating my own changes if I can, right? And that’s pretty much what I have decided to do. Maybe a rebranding of my blog, maybe something else entirely. I don’t know. And not knowing is not scaring me, actually, and that is scaring me.
But I need a new space to write, to allow myself to feel and grow and change. This one, right here, has probably had enough. Will it be a clean slate? Don’t know, really. Will this space go away? Don’t know. Am I creating a new space? Probably, that’s at least the plan.
You can follow my Instagram and/or Twitter (or X, whatever the fuck it is called now) for updates. Until then, Adios!
Currently my motto is going to be Future’s gonna be okay. I don’t know if it will actually be okay, but it’s never bad to have hope while working towards your okay future.
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